Everything I Need to Know About the Toilet I Learned from my Cat

We like things clean. That’s just how we are. Haven’t I seen you flush your toilet after every single use? I’d like my box scooped on the same schedule, please. And if that’s not something you can manage, at least let me have access to more than one box. Not to brag, but my sense of smell is much more highly evolved than yours. When I enter my litter area and find just a handful of unscooped clumps, it’s sort of like you opening the door of a blue box potty at the St. Patrick’s Day parade. Now you see why I prefer to take my meals in another room. Actually, I’ve never seen you eat in the bathroom either.

And since we’re on the topic of odors, could you stop with the bleach already? A fresh batch of litter every week or two is much appreciated, but the residue of those harsh cleaning supplies lingers and burns my sensitive nose. Warm water and a brush are perfect for cleaning my box, or just a drop of fragrance-free dish soap if you must. When you start to see scratches on the floor of the box, we ought to be picking out a new one. Those fine grooves trap odors. (So does the litter box with the roof on it. Stink chamber.)

Now, the litter itself: some like it piled deep and plush, others prefer a thinner layer on the bottom. Asthmatics tend to favor the low-dust formula. I will tell you, though, that many of us are put off by the scented type that’s meant to mask odors. You ask me, that’s just two irritating smells for the price of one. If I’m dismayed at the contents of a litter box, I usually end up rushing out of there like my tail’s on fire, but if it’s a clean and peaceful, harmonious type of environment, you might hear me digging busily at the majority of my visits.

And speaking of peaceful, what about that blasted dog? Is there some way to erase his invasive, canine self from my private, harmonious space? I mean, what if you sat down on your toilet and someone threw open the door without warning? What if it was someone who had no concept of Personal Space? What if it was someone who scared you a little bit? I’m not saying he scares me, I’m just saying what if. A friend of mine has her litter area between the furnace and the clothes dryer, and she’s a nervous wreck with all the noise. It’s an absolute miracle she still uses the box. Really, if they don’t do something to alleviate her discomfort soon, she could be forced to look for a more reasonable place to relieve herself. I’m just not sure they would understand. I wonder, if one of us tried to explain it somehow…?

Dr M.S. Regan